Gift From God

Today, I think back to a time in my life that made little sense. An emotional time. A confusing time. A scary time. An uncomfortable time, filled with awkward moments and a lot of tears. Tears of hurt, pain, and of immense happiness. As negative as some of those feelings sound, it was still one of the happiest days of my life! It was the day I gave birth to my perfect baby boy, Nathaniel Joshua.

It was a Monday morning, the day before his due date, and I was scheduled to be induced. I had contractions the entire night before and the wee hours of the morning...the scheduled induction wouldn't have mattered. He was on his way! I realize now, I should've told someone I was in labor. It never crossed my mind that it could be too late and I could end up giving birth in my room! My 17 year old mind thought "There's no sense in waking anyone up for this. We have to be at the hospital at 5:00 am anyway." So I just laid there in my bed, enduring each contraction while curled up in a little ball, trying to sleep in-between each one, and thinking "I'm about to be a mom" and "this hurts so bad!".

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Finally 4:00 am came. I got my things together, got dressed, and I think I even put makeup on (haha...that was a big waste!). I went to tell my mom goodbye and that she should come to the hospital as early as she could because I didn't think he would take long. My dad laughed and said "I'd be surprised if you have him before noon!". A father of seven had done his fair share of waiting at the hospital!

I hugged my mom goodbye, and my dad, my brother, and I headed for the hospital.

Around 8:00 am, the doctor finally came in to check me. I was at an 8, so he broke my water. Then my mom and sister, Hannah, came in to see me. We joked between contractions about funny things Hannah had said when she was in labor with Noah. (Who was born just 9 months before). As painful as labor is, I can always still keep my sense of humor.

At 9:00 am, it was finally push time.

At 10:04 am, I held the most perfect 6lb. 13oz. baby boy. When the doctor handed him to me for the first time, I felt overwhelmed with fear, responsibility, change, and perfect love. This was my baby! A baby I had felt tickle my belly button with his tiny finger, and jab me with his elbows and feet for the last 7 months. A baby I had only seen in black and white, and was the size of a peanut at times. Here he was, in my arms, and in living color.

 

It's amazing to me that it's been seven years. I've watched him grow into such a handsome, sweet boy. I watched him learn his ABC's in preschool and listened to him sing "Twinkle-twinkle, Little Star". I watched him walk to his kindergarten class, every single day...with a tear and a smile until he went through the door. I remember the day he was too embarrassed to hug and kiss me goodbye, because his friends were waiting to walk down the hallway with him. It broke my heart, and I kissed him anyway. Sometimes, I can still see and hear him as a toddler when he talks to me. (He had and has such a funny little accent).

This year, he played his first season of baseball, he'll be starting 2nd grade, and he's working on losing his first tooth. (A moment that I'm sure will bring tears to my eyes!) Seven years seems so long ago; we have changed so much since he was born. Looking back at pictures though, I can still see my baby. And I looked like such a little kid! But that day, I was changed. I don't regret being such a young mom. The situation wasn't ideal of course, to say the least, but nothing but good things have resulted from having my sweet boy. It wasn't always easy, but it has always turned out good. I barely even remember my life before him! "Nathaniel" means a gift from God and I'd say he has definitely lived up to his name!

Happy Birthday, my sweet Nathaniel.

Hit That Ball, Bubba!

Last Saturday morning, I thought the stomach bug that plagued our house for over a week was finally over, until Nathaniel ran to the bathroom with his hands over his mouth. "Not again", I thought. Especially not today! Once he was finished, I sent him to his bed to rest. He started to cry, "I don't wanna miss my game!". He was heart-broken. And it broke my heart for him.

This is Nathaniel's first year to play t-ball. He has never been the most athletic kid; as a toddler he had poor coordination and it took him quite a while to master catching a ball. He hasn't really even shown a huge interest in sports in the past, but so far, he loves playing and gets very excited on game day. On this particular Saturday, he was supposed to have a game right before lunch. He had been looking forward to this game for over a week! Especially when he found out the league would be giving away free hot dogs and chips. All week long, he said "Aren't you glad they're gonna have hot dogs at the game, Mama? You won't have to cook dinner all day!" He's so precious.

Now, a little background on my family. They (usually Justin and Nathaniel) can throw up and then immediately after, be just fine. A "Perkins' puke episode" as Ma would call it. It has happened enough times now, that I know if somebody pukes, they aren't necessarily sick with something. It's strange, I know. I waited a while before letting the coach know we wouldn't be there just in case this is what he was experiencing.

After a couple hours, he seemed to be feeling better. (Nathaniel can be "slightly" dramatic when he thinks he's sick). I decided to let him choose if he'd play or not, and we discussed the possibilities of puking in front of his teammates and getting embarrassed in front of everyone. He decided he was up to it, so we got ready and headed out to the field. I checked on him throughout the game to make sure he was still feeling ok, and to rehearse what he should do if he felt sick again. Turns out it was just a Perkins' puke episode.

 

I'm SO glad he decided to go! Not only do I just love watching him out there, but he did such a great job! He paid attention, made some good hits, and even got a boy out at second base. It was one of his best games of the season! And we got free hot dogs. :)

Sweet Baby Lillie

My sweet Lillie has been sick for the last week. The miserable-for-the-whole-family kind of sick. I won't go into all the gruesome details (like the subtle stench of puke that won't go away or like waking up next to a puddle of diarrhea because her diaper had leaked), but I have washed sheets and couch cushion covers far too many times in seven days.

Today she seems to be feeling better, however this isn't the first time I've thought so this week. We've been to the doctor twice so far. The first time, it was decided she must have some kind of virus and should be over it soon. Six days later (today), I took her back and he thought it may be more bacterial or parasitic. So....they sent us home with three test tubes and a little jar for, ya know, collection... It's now after 4 pm, and of course there's been nothing to collect. I suppose it'll be okay with me if I never have to collect "things" for testing, but it would sure be nice to know the cause of this horrendous experience.

One good thing about the last week is that I've gotten to take advantage of lots and lots of cuddle time with Lillianna. Like any sick baby, she has wanted to be held and loved on constantly! She even found a more pitiful way to say "mama" so she was sure to get extra attention. Luckily, Nathaniel and Gabriella are older and busier throughout the day and don't mind that she's been getting more "love".

Our Lillie Billy, (at one point she only had a couple teeth and huge gaps, so Justin thought this nickname was appropriate, especially since we're from Arkansas... ya know, hillbilly) has been such a blessing. At first, news of her coming made us panic a little... Justin was in school, working part-time, I couldn't find a job worth taking, and we were BROKE. And Gabrie was still so young; we weren't "ready" for another baby yet. Luckily, all of that was temporary. Justin finished school, got two job offers (we really struggled with that decision!), and it was almost time to welcome our third baby into the world.

Finally, the week of her due date arrived! (I'm not a very pleasant pregnant person). Monday I had a false alarm. We spent a couple hours at the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I think it was just wishful thinking. Nothing on Tuesday. Wednesday, contractions ALL DAY LONG. That was fun. Wednesday night they got a little stronger. I just knew this had to be it! ALL NIGHT LONG, I laid in bed, trying to get some sleep next to my snoring husband. Of course, that didn't happen. Those blasted contractions...not close enough to have a baby, yet too close to get any rest. I woke Justin up a few times to let him know my progress. He woke up just long enough to acknowledge and then rolled back over to snooze. :) Around 1:30 am, I couldn't take it anymore. Contractions were about 6 minutes apart and absolutely excruciating. I woke Justin up again and told him to call the hospital. He said I should wait a little longer. HA! EASY FOR HIM TO SAY! I think I waited about 5 more minutes...

Once we got to the hospital and checked in, and taken to an exam room, it was about 2:45 am. By the time they decided I was really in labor (like I didn't know), they took me to my room and I was already at a 9! I can remember thinking she seemed to hurt more than the other two kids. She actually made me scream. At one point, we were very scared because suddenly the nurse told me, very sternly, to stop pushing. Turns out the cord was wrapped around her neck, twice. Very scary.  Finally at 3:12 am, we welcomed Lillianna Mattison into the world. She was a perfect 7 lb 7 oz.

She's the baby of the family, and she plays her part well! She's sensitive, dramatic, and loves to be spoiled. At times, the whole family HAS to sing to make her happy. So far, she is an easy-ish baby. Basically always happy, eager to please, clingy sometimes, and so very lovable. She fits right in! Everyday is a new, exciting chance to learn her more. I can't wait to see more of her personality as she gets older.

And, in case you were wondering, it is now after 10 pm and we went all day without me getting puked on, or having to change a yucky diaper. I'm very excited to say the test tubes are still wrapped in their package! Special thanks to my Honey Bun, who so graciously lived in a not-so-clean house this week, and was a great help with puke messes and diarrhea diapers after he got off work. I don't think he even gagged once! :)

We Will Never Forget

It's that time of year again. June. The month when so many parts of my life were drastically changed. Ruined even. I miss the days when June didn't have a whole lot of significance to me. Except for it being the month that one of my older brothers was born, nothing in June really meant much. Especially not June 9, 2009. Four years? Can that really be possible? I suppose it is possible...so much has happened since that day. I've gotten married, had two more kids, and moved 800 miles from home. I have three more nieces than I had that day. My (then) two-year old is now in 2nd grade and reads and writes, has a great interest in dinosaurs, and collects cool rocks for his geology-themed room.

Yet, as many things that have happened since June 9th, I can remember that day better than almost any day in my life. I remember every detail.

That handsome man was my big brother, Matthew, and my baby Nathaniel. I remember this moment in time so clearly. Matthew lived in Tulsa, and from time to time, we (this particular trip was my mom, a few siblings, and nieces and nephews) would go there to visit him. Usually we spent the day shopping or going to the zoo, and once he was done with work Ma would treat us all to dinner. This time we met him at Tulsa's Incredible Pizza. 
 
Matthew was a Geologist and a cyclist. The family would go watch his races, whenever they were close or when we were able. It was always so exciting to see watch him go by. I remember feeling so sad for him if he didn't do well. We always went to dinner afterwards.

 

Matthew or "Shew-shew" as I usually called him, was killed by a drunk a driver. He (along with two cylcing friends) was riding along a highway in Sand Springs, Ok. on a beautiful, sunny afternoon in June. One of his friends was also killed. It still seems unreal. Even while cleaning out his little apartment in Tulsa, it was unbelievable. I'm still asking "why?". The woman who killed him is now in prison....she won't be there long enough. I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive. That is what we're supposed to do, right? Easier said than done.

 

 

This picture was taken outside of Famous Dave's Barbeque in Rogers, Ar. We had just finished watching him compete in the Joe Martin Stage Race in Fayetteville, Ar. We went every year because it was so close to home. This was Mother's Day of 2009 and the last time I saw him.

 

Matthew was only 34 when he was taken from us. I wasn't near finished getting to know him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



"Mama So Mean" and Gabrie's a Princess

Tonight Gabrie is acting as my writing partner. The little Sweetie is supposed to be in bed, but her father, who is now sleeping (and snoring) quite peacefully on the couch, in a moment of weakness (which happens far more often than it should...he's wrapped around her tiny finger), decided it would be ok if she came downstairs and slept on the couch while he watched tv.

Of course, not even five minutes into it, Justin was sound asleep and Gabrie joined me on the floor with the laptop.

 

I know, a child her age should be in her own bed right now, but every once in a while, I don't mind the company. I'm not an early to bed kind of person (something I regret every morning). Whether I'm getting a head start on tomorrow's chores, watching episode after episode on netflix, or playing candy crush saga, I just can't usually bring myself to go to sleep at a decent time. Anyway, I enjoy this occassional one-on-one time with my kids. (It seems that time alone with each child individually is becoming harder and harder! I can't imagine how people with 5+ kids do it).

 

So tonight it's me and my Gabriella. (Who is also snoring peacefully on the couch now.) Today, this girl tested every single piece of patience in me. Ok, she does this everyday, but today was grocery day so it seemed a little more stressful. And I only forgot to use two coupons, so I'd say it was pretty much a success...but that's another story.

 

 I think most parents could agree, each child holds a special place in their heart. You don't have more or less love for any of them, but each one is just special to you in a different way. I can't begin to describe how special each of one of mine is to me! However, I can think of one word, especially after our shopping trip today, to say about Gabrie, and that word is CHALLENGING.

 

From day one, Gabrie has been a challenge. She was a challenge to give birth to (taking a short 21 hours of excruciating pain and misery... may not sound long to some, but my first took only 2 hours, so a long labor like that was a shock, to say the least.) As a newborn, she wouldn't sleep in her own bed, she was allergic to the cheap diapers, she even had to have a more expensive brand of diaper rash medicine! Almost nothing has been simple with Princess Gabriella. (she actually calls herself this). Oh, and if it can be climbed on, she WILL climb on it.

 

As a toddler, we noticed her speech wasn't progressing as it should. She is plenty smart, but just couldn't put it into words. At 21 months she began working with a speech therapist. At the time, she was ranked to be at a 15 month old level. Not horribly behind, but definitely in need of therapy. For me, it was a really disappointing discovery. Of course I was relieved that nothing more serious was wrong, but I can't express how discouraging and sad it was for me to not know what my baby wanted to say. She clearly HAD things to say, she just didn't know how to say them.

 

When we started therapy, her talk sounded more like the nonsense jibber-jabber most babies start out with. Justin and I understood maybe 10% of what she said, and other people understood even less than that. After six months, Gabrie jumped to the level of a 24 month old, and I could understand about 85% of what she said, while strangers could understand about 50%. Now almost three months later, Gabriella is exploding with conversation. We won't have another evaluation for another three months, but if I had to guess, I'd say we're close to understanding 95% of her words, and strangers are probably at 75%. It has been amazing to see the transformation, and especially amazing to understand what she has to say. I'm excited to see how the next evaluation goes and extremely grateful for the deeper bond we've developed with her, no matter what challenge each new word brings.

 

Her favorite things to say lately: "Mama so mean" and "Gabrie sad" any time she gets in trouble. And whatever you may try to distract her sadness with, she "doesn't like". Occassionally she calls me "Mommy" and I don't know why, and she's started calling Nathaniel "Bubby" instead of "Bubba". (He hates it! I think it's kinda cute.) And Justin went from being "Dada" to "Daday", then back to "Dada", and now "Daddy". Lillianna is "Nana".

 

She keeps us on our toes. She might possibly be the most misbehaved child ever, in the entire history of the world. But despite all her rotten-ness, she is also incredibly sweet. Her face just says "love" when she looks at her brother and sister....right before she pinches them for no reason. But seriously, she really is a sweet girl. I think we'll keep her, mess and all.

  



Thankful

As I sit here at my kitchen table, I watch Nathaniel and Gabriella be goofy with each other, giggle together, tell on one another ("Gabrie's putting noodles in her drink!"), and all three kids screaming playfully in unison. I can't help but just be happy, even with my ears ringing from their high-pitched squeals. I can't help but thank God that I'm still able to experience all the joys that come with these three energetic, exhausting kids.

I'm thankful for the days Justin gets home early(ish) and we get to have dinner together. Some of my favorite times with him is when we just sit at the table together after the kids have finished eating and moved on to make messes elsewhere; we catch up on the day, share funny or meaningful experiences, laugh, and dream about our future.

Only about three months ago (or so), Justin seriously considered requesting a transfer to Oklahoma City. He works many long hours and rarely even has a day off, so he wanted to get us closer to family. I don't think a 13 hour drive by myself would ever be possible, nor would he ever allow me to travel that far alone with three kids, but a 3 hour drive, I could handle.

I was excited about the possibility of being closer to "home" again. So excited, I started searching the internet for houses. I even contacted a friend there and asked her to keep her eyes open for any rental houses. Cara replied, and was happy to help us find one. The next time we spoke, she told me there was a house for rent in her neighborhood. We were excited at the prospect of being neighbors and our kids playing together.

Justin and I decided we should wait it out a little while longer. Maybe things at work would get easier, or a better position would come along. So, we waited patiently. (Although, I have to admit, I was disappointed!)

Monday, May 20, 2013, Cara's neighborhood was hit hard by the tornados. Her sweet family lost everything, except each other. Plaza Towers Elementary is where two of her three kids attended school. The most amazing part of their story (to me), is that only a couple months ago, Cara felt led to start home schooling. Thank God, she had been obedient!



Photo Courtesy of Chris Landsberger/The Oklahoman/AP

 Two days later, Justin was offered a promotion. He accepted. His new position will be less stressful and will allow him to spend much more time with us, and possibly even more time for me and the kids to spend with family in Arkansas, while he trains in Houston.

Most days we take life for granted. But today, and in the future, I will be thankful for even the littlest of blessings. And whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed by the days' messes, the constant need to play "referee" for brother and sister, and sleepless nights with baby, I will remind myself "it could always be worse".




P.S. Read Cara's blog...she's amazing. cyakel.blogspot.com

Back To You

Roughly eight years ago (I can't believe it's been that long), mine and Justin's life changed forever. Unfortunately, our experiences through this life changing moment would be separate, but nonetheless things changed. Of course, most of you could guess, this "change" was our son, Nathaniel.

My first thoughts were of panic, naturally. And being only 17 at the time, they weren't the most mature or selfless of thoughts.  "What am I going to do?". "How will we tell our parents?". "I'll have to quit dance classes!". "I'll never go to college.". "My life is over. (if my parents don't kill me, that is.)". Justin did his best to comfort me and tell me every thing would be ok...but I knew behind his reassuring words, he was feeling the same panic I was. Surprisingly, later that night I was a bit excited about having my own sweet baby.

One month later, Justin and I broke up. Don't get mad at him...it was my idea. My stupid, immature idea. I was scared, emotions were crazy and we didn't seem to get along as well as we used to. Panic set in again. Maybe I thought breaking up would make the situation go away for awhile. I don't know. I've really blocked alot of that time from my memory. I'm sure some of my actions were a result of hormones...but still inexcusable. Anyway, we didn't see each other through the entire pregnancy.

July 24, 2006 ~ We welcomed our sweet baby boy into the world. Sadly, this memorable occassion didn't change our attitudes or hearts toward each other.

Between 2006 and 2009, these hateful feelings we had for each other continued. Justin faithfully came to see his son. Despite how uncomfortable the situation was, or how I made him feel, he NEVER gave up on being a part of his life.

FAST FORWARD to November 2009....I prefer not to think about life before this point. Justin and I began texting. Mostly we'd talk about cute things Nathaniel would say or do, but eventually we talked about just life in general. Finally, we decided the three of us should hang out together. We met at Chuck E. Cheese one Friday night; it was incredibly awkward! I wasn't sure how to behave like "Is he paying for my food?"... I gave him $10 and a coupon for a $19.99 pizza and tokens. He accepted it. So clearly, it wasn't a date... But I still made sure to eat very lady-like, having only two slices of pizza. If you know me, you know that's NOT me; and I definitely out-eat him now!

The next night, Justin and I met again but by ourselves this time. We just sat and talked for hours. It was strange because it was like we picked up where we left off, but at the same time it felt so new. I was nervous!

Sunday, Justin and Nathaniel met me for lunch after church. I believe we went to a few stores after that...PetCo, Target, and Books-a-Million maybe? But the best part was that night... I asked "so do you love me again yet?". He replied with a simple "yes". My reply, "I've got a wedding to plan!".

Just three months later, we eloped. Nathaniel was our only guest.

February 5, 2010

May 2010

An explanation of the title: this was "our song" back in high school. Strange how it still fits...